My life has consisted of constantly searching, looking for what to prepare for next, what do I want to be when I grow up. My passions change over and over again and I just keep thinking I will one day figure out what it is that I am supposed to do with my life. Yet, around every corner I find that the perpetual “ever changing me” eludes me and runs further ahead where I can’t see.
Today, the here, the now is all that I have. All that I can truly see. What do I want to do with my now, my today. Am I going to let it slip by, wasted on worrying about what tomorrow holds, trying to determine what my goal in life is supposed to be? I do that so very often that the now is no longer here and I missed opportunities that I could have benefited from.
The elusive search has taken me so many different places and has allowed me to cross paths with many people, mostly good, some not so good. However, in each situation I have learned many things. The pain that goes along with growing and changing is a necessary evil that breaks us down in an effort to build us back up. We move from one passion to another, building one upon another. Why do I always feel as though I must pinpoint a specific gift or talent, or goal or purpose? I suppose it is because so many voices are telling us that we must aim for a goal, reach for the stars, become amazing and learn your destiny.
I have traveled the path of faith in my past, in my efforts to find the answers to my questions. That path took me to many places and had me interact with many people, some who hurt me through deceit and manipulation, but many who were genuine in their hearts towards me. I have a lot to reconcile in my life when it comes to that time period, I spent many years masking the real me, hiding my struggle with my sexuality.
Yet, here I am, realizing that I can only look at NOW. This moment. This space in time that once it has passed, it is gone forever. I have misused so many moments in my life, but I can’t dwell on that or again my nows will be passed and forgotten.