I am simple but at the same time very complex. I truly live up to the Gemini description of being twins. I am constantly at odds within myself. I’ve spent a great part of my life disguising who I really am to the point of not really knowing myself at all. It’s strange and sad at the same time how you can gain a great deal of knowledge, be educated with a Master’s degree and have the skills to possibly do great things with your life and yet feel trapped inside yourself and feel absolutely no confidence in your abilities. Yet my other self can see the potential but is frozen with little to no self esteem.
I know, just shoot me now. I’m 51 and think often that it‘s a lost cause. I spent the first 41 years of my life hiding from myself. Letting others lead me down paths that they wanted me to go in, to the point I felt I was losing my mind. I blame myself for allowing myself to be brain washed. To be completely enslaved to a person and their beliefs to the point that when I was breaking free that person marched around the outside of my home and chanted that me and my children belonged to him and that I was not allowed to go. It wasn’t my husband either.
Disguises: they are scary. Sometimes I have been guilty of wearing them to protect someone because it was supposedly “the lords will“ that we did what we were doing. I am sickened by my former self and I know it is what attributes greatly to my lack of self esteem but it is what it is and cannot be undone. It seems I should be way beyond it by now but it haunts me. Sometimes when I am extremely stressed it visits me in my dreams and I am troubled for days and sometimes weeks after. Perhaps it’s because I really genuinely loved helping people for a great many years and then suddenly my integrity was violated and manipulated to the point that I no longer was real and my true giving self was stripped away. I was then not only the deceived but became part of the deception. It broke my heart and my spirit.
The weight that I feel right now is so heavy I can no longer write but to leave with this quote from the new book I am reading by J. K. Rowling, The Casual Vacancy, “The difficult thing, the glorious thing, was to be who you really were, even if that person was cruel and dangerous. There was courage in not disguising the animal you happened to be.“
Perhaps that is why I no longer am good at sugar coating my thoughts about a matter to anyone and if that’s what is required to get ahead in life I am not interested in getting there.