In my day to day life I err on the side of caution. Since I am a Gemini the twins inside of me struggle constantly, one side of me wants to be the person I feel I am on the inside and the other side of me infuriates me because she always chooses to conform. Just typing the word makes my blood boil. I want to scream it from the rooftops, I DON’T WANT TO CONFORM ANYMORE!!!!!
My expressive side so desperately wants out and yet I conform to the norm. The norm that says I need to look, act, dress, feel and be just like the status quo in the world. Don’t rock the boat, don’t express your desires in the way you dress. Don’t be the person you have always trapped inside, people won’t accept you, they won’t like you. That’s really the crux of it all, being liked. Making others happy and convincing them that I am too.
So here I sit, just slightly letting out the person who I have suppressed all of my life. Sometimes I feel so fake and yet I must take a deep breath and realize that it is a journey, day by day a little more comes out that is me. I may be older but I hope I somehow am a little wiser, and I hope to continue to evolve into the me that I see from the inside.
As long as I my memories go back I remember thinking to myself, why do I have to dress like a girl, act like a girl, when I feel more like a boy. No, I don’t feel like a boy trapped inside a girls body, nor have I ever wanted to have a sex change, but I am much more inclined to be the “boi” in a relationship. Those who are of the straight persuasion probably don’t really understand the slang and varied definition of boi. The definition is used to cover various categories, one of which is: A boi is a lesbian or gender-queer person who identifies most with their male energy and presents themselves as male in their appearance. They may consider themselves to be of either gender although they are anatomically female.
Okay, so now that I have completely blown some of you away, let’s move on. 😉 Femininity has always been a forced expression for me. It is not who I am, nor who I ever wanted to be.
The era and part of the country that I grew up in, and being from a Catholic upbringing, the idea of ever doing anything but dating guys, getting married and having kids was not even in the equation. I was a very naive, sheltered youngest daughter of 4 children, all girls. Yet, I always felt more like the little boy of the family. Those are the eyes I looked through every day. I preferred to be the “tom boy” as I was called, and I distinctly remember the times I had to wear a dress and felt so awkward and out of place.
I have spent the majority of my life holding back the natural feelings I have felt over the years for women who have crossed my path, why I ran hard and fast away from the friends I made in the Navy who took me to my first gay bar because they knew I was gay, and yet I ran from there as fast as I could because I couldn’t let that person be a reality. What would my family think, my friends, I was in the Navy, you couldn’t be gay in the service. Run, run, run as fast as you can. Maybe you can outrun the feelings.
I chose to suppress my true self for the first 40 years of my life. I stayed married to a man (the father of my two children and a great friend to me and a very good father) for 18 years. We were better friends than anything else, which was a sad thing for him. Yet, I still was trying to conform. Immersed and trapped in a “religious experience” for 13 years (which is a whole other story in and of itself) struggling internally all the while, and searching for a way to escape the person I had become, feeling so desperate to be free.
Now I am attempting to spell it out for myself through this blog in hopes that if I can at least be completely honest with myself and others about who I really am and the struggles I have overcome to get here, then maybe I will be able to break free from the remaining cloak of conformity that clings to me.